Hide the evidence, don’t ask questions and welcome to Newstain.
Hello, grape juice enthusiasts of the highest order. It’s Monty McMinty here, once more guiding you through Newstain.
Yes, it’s real - I confirmed it with my psychiatrist, Dr. Weebles the Tom Cat.
So, pop your corks on and hold on tight because this month’s stories are about to get more confusing than a dyslexic wine journalist reviewing Chompaigne with an aggrissive mouse.
And trust me, that mouse is not here to play “mice.”
Let’s dive in headfirst like the Duke of Clarence in a Malmsey barrel
Meteorite Wine Returns
In Chile, the land of the Llamas, a winemaker has decided that “terroir" is no longer bound by Earthly geography. He’s gone “extra-terroirstrial,” aging his wine with a 6,000-year-old meteorite. Yes, this is a real thing.
The winemaker, Ian Hutcheon, claims the ancient space rock imbues the wine with "cosmic energy." Apparently, the sun, soil and climate weren’t enough. It’s marketed as adding a “livelier taste,” which sounds more like a galaxy’s way of saying "this wine is out of this world."
But let’s be honest, if you’re paying hundreds for a bottle aged with a meteorite, the only thing getting ‘cosmic’ is your credit card bill.
Runaway Goat Wins Marathon Medal
In a Canadian half-marathon this September, runners were surprised to find themselves competing against a very unlikely participant - a runaway goat.
The goat, came from a nearby vineyard (insert Goat-du-Roam puns here) and joined the race halfway through and actually finished, earning itself a medal.
Now, if a goat can casually win a medal in a marathon you trained for, maybe it’s time to rethink your workout strategy. The vineyard has since embraced the fame, throwing a celebration complete with, you guessed it, goat-themed wine tastings.
Honestly, though, when a goat can beat you in a race, it might be time to switch from marathon running to marathon wine drinking. There were rumors though that the Goat and his twin brother were performing the old “Marathon Twin Switcheroo Trick” featured in many direct-to-television movies such as “Marathon Mix-up” and “Twins in Trouble 2: Marathon Mayhem.”
Wine and Coke Craze in China – 2024 Twist
Mixing wine with Coca-Cola is not new in China, but 2024 has seen a disturbing escalation. Now, people are mixing high-end, luxury wines with Coke - because what pairs better with a $2,000 bottle of Château Lafite than the refreshing taste of soda pop?
It’s become a bizarre status symbol, turning prestigious wines into glorified cola mixers at social gatherings. We get it, some things are hard to pair, but does it have to be your wallet and your sense of taste?
It’s like buying a Ferrari and slapping a bumper sticker on it that says "I break for McDonald's.” Seriously though, there are some great pairings to be toyed with…Sprite and Raveneau, Tango and Radikon or Pepsi and Petrus - although the latter sounds like an 80’s New Orleans based Cop Drama.
Kelley Fox’s Blueberry Wine
Over in Oregon, winemaker Kelley Fox is giving grapes a break and focusing on blueberries. Yes, her blueberry wine is made using the same techniques as her Pinots, but with handpicked blueberries grown on 35-year-old bushes.
It’s dry, complex and smoother than an Oregon summer breeze. Imagine sipping a glass while a bear casually stares at you, licking their lips and wondering why you’re ruining perfectly good blueberries by fermenting them.
Kelley Fox says it’s like channeling the wild spirit of a bear mid-forage but with a touch more refinement. Though, let’s be honest, the bear is probably more interested in swiping your charcuterie board than giving tasting notes.
Blueberry wine: Nature’s Mega Purple - but this time, it’s all-natural and ready to turn your palate upside down.
Sleep in a Giant Wine Barrel
Forget luxury hotels - what you didn’t know that you really need in your life is to pay to sleep inside a giant wine barrel.
Yes, at Quinta da Pacheca Estate in Portugal, you can now cozy up in enormous oak barrels that have been converted into deluxe suites. These are the same barrels that once stored wine, and now, they store you. It’s a full-circle experience for wine lovers who want to be closer to the process.
Don’t wake up corked.
Nothing says “vacation” like pretending you’re a vintage wine aging in oak… except, unlike wine, we don’t get better with time. Well, unless you are the indelible wine stain and its timeless team of super stars.
Sabering Disaster at French Laundry
At Napa Valley’s famed French Laundry, where even the air feels like it costs $100 a breath, an extravagant plan to open a $2,000 bottle of Champagne with a saber turned into what can only be described as a fizzotic messtical.
The intention was to slice off the top of the bottle with a clean, elegant motion, showering guests in class - not glass.
Rather than sending a jet of celebratory bubbles into the glasses of the finely dressed diners, the cork shot off like a Burt Reynolds in a Cannonball Run.
It turns out, sabering a bottle of Champagne was less like a “master of ceremonies” and more like Mickey the Pirate at the Swashbuckler Playpark.
“In a restaurant where a single dish costs the equivalent of your mortgage payment, that bottle wasn’t the only thing feeling the pressure.”
The Return of Three Penis Wine
In China, Three Penis Wine - you guessed it, made from three penises - has made an unexpected comeback.
Yes, it’s exactly as it sounds, and no, I’m not making this up.
This questionable beverage made from the genitalia of three types of penis - dogs, seals, and deer - has been illegal since the 90s, but somehow, it’s back, fetching prices that would make your average sommelier blush.
It’s marketed as a complex virility booster; the complexity comes from the blending of not just two penises but three.
Because, really, when your wine list starts to sound like the cast of a National Geographic documentary, you might want to reconsider your life choices. At this point, I think we can all agree that some things are better left un-drunk.
And in further news, my wife and Elaine from accounting have run off together, stealing my car and credit cards on a Napa Valley Tasting Room Crime Spree.
I've been Monty McMinty, and you've been News Stained.
Godspeed and Good Grace!
