The March of the P.I.N.S.

A meditation on the weight of a merit badge

In the elegant, delicate often snooty world of wine, their lives a breed of individuals who embody the very essence of pompous.

Pomp-essence if you will.

Let’s meet the “P.I.N.S.” …the Pretentious, Insecure, Narcissistic, Sommelier.

We’ve all seen them. Proud as a precocious peacock. Freshly finished with their wine education course and newly awarded their badge of merit.

Once they were knowledgeless of wine, then they memorized some things and stuff and became experts and all that. Now, we are the recipients of these facts, things and stuff, whether we want to hear it or not.

But what truly makes a P.I.N. a P.I.N. and separates them from the normal person that has studied intensely to achieve a pin?

Here we explore the telltale signs, as we hear the stomp and click of their boots on the floor and the clink of the P.I.N.S as they march upon us all.

Pee is for Pretentious
The P.I.N.S. exude an air of superiority. Their noses are often found deep in their glasses or up in the air. They revel in obscure wine-speak and relish correcting anyone who dares to mispronounce “Gewürztraminer” or confuse a Bordeaux with a Burgundy. The cure is humility and not to be the humblest in the room but to realize that there is no such thing as mastery.

Eye is for Insecure
The P.I.N.S. are constantly in need of affirmation, usually from other P.I.N.S. Their greatest fear? Being wrong in front of someone less credentialed.

This insecurity, rooted in fear, manifests itself in a desperate need to showcase knowledge that anyone can memorize, often at the expense of other people’s enjoyment.

Enn is for Narcissistic
The P.I.N.S. aren’t interested in your story, unless you are more of a P.I.N. than them. If you are, it becomes a competition of a do, of a who can out-do who.

It’s not enough to know wine, others must know that they know must.

Armed with an arsenal of facts and figures, they thrive on being the center of attention. Monopolizing conversation, interrupting to drop tidbits about tannins or unsolicited soliloquies on titratable acidity.

They don’t just love wine, they own it. They wield it as a tool of superiority and validity… a case of vino-identity warfare.

Ess is for Sommelier
Before the blind tastings and flash cards, the sommelier was a humble figure. Often seen as the humblest of all the humble.

“Sommelier” originates from the Old French word, “Somier”, meaning “pack animal driver.” These early Sommeliers, like the Sherpa, were responsible for transporting goods - including barrels of wine - for the noble households. Over time, their role shifted from a mere transporter to custodians of the cellars and eventually the true masters and mistresses of service.

So, what’s with the term “Somm?”

It’s surely a great mystery, such as the Bermuda triangle or cheese rind.

The answer is that no one knows when “Somm” started being used, however we do know that the fad emerged in the U.S.A. - known as the epicenter of Apocoping or Apocing. Here are some other terms that have come from the word Sommelier:

Somm-Oilier
Possibly a slippery wine salesman that may sell Olive Oil as well.

Sommelette
A female Sommelier - lighter, fluffier and occasionally served with herbs. Traditionally paired with Champagne and an accompanying pay-gap.

Somm Alley-Way
Sounds like a back-alley riddled with shifty market traders slinging wines that fell off of the back of a truck (or a lorry for those in the UK).

Somm Hay-lay-hey
An ancient Viking toast to the Masters and Mistresses of wine?
Or a chant used by Greek slave-rowers?
A Battle cry before taking the wine list over to the A-list celebrities?
Or just a tasting note for the rarest of Meads, from the Halifax Queen Bee?

Somalian
Someone from Somalia.
Although there are rumors of a Somalian Sommelier Society.

Whatever the reason, “Somm” persists. One syllable. Easy to print on a T-shirt. Is it though, an acronym in itself? What could it be?
We imagine that the “S” stands for Sommelier.

Traditionally there were just male Sommelier, selected from a young age based on their long reach, clean top lips and ability to move around tables elegantly, like a table dancer. Later, women were selected too but only from the early 1990s.

Fairly soon, there will be more female Sommelier than male. As the males tend to leave the floor of a restaurant to go into distribution or consultancy - thereby no longer being a Sommelier at all.

Now, let’s set the record straight:

Singular (masculine): Sommelier
Singular (feminine): Sommelière
Plural (masculine/mixed): Sommeliers - although they are sometimes referred to as a cushion of P.I.N.S.
Plural (feminine only): Sommelières

So, maybe we just stick to Somm.

How to Spot the P.I.N.S.

The main tell is that they wear their pin…all of the time.

Some have even taken to wearing it permanently on their chest by way of a tattoo.

This, of course, led to the development of the Velcro Chest Reveal Patch™. Ideal for P.I.N.S. on the move, or a Mason of course.

It allows for dramatic mid-service reveals, which has been proven Sommtistically to increase sales.

Another trait is competitiveness: who can be of service the best?
We often hear, “I am the best at serving others wine.”

There is also a tendency to dominate conversations with unsolicited opinions, and a knack for making others feel inferior about their wine choices. Studies have shown that the subjective nature of wine tasting often undermines the supposed expertise of these individuals, revealing that their connoisseurship is more about perception than actual knowledge.

They turn every tasting into a competition.

Another sign of the P.I.N.S. is that they carry a wine saber and are able to saber anything with anything.

Still not enough? The most committed of the P.I.N.S. have tattooed their status directly onto their foreheads.

But what of the good ones?

We’ve spilled enough wine on the P.I.N.S. and so let’s raise a glass to those who truly serve.

The main schools to learn about wines are the WSET, CWE, MW and Court of Master Sommelier. Thousands of passionate, generous and engaging wine professionals have grown through these programs and continue to light the way for others.

Each one can be a good path for you. As you learn more, just remember to keep the hospitality alive inside of you. When you pass your test and earn your Pin - don’t be one of the P.I.N.S.

A mantra for all of the P.I.N.S. of the world

“I will put down my pins.
I will let my actions carry me.
I will let my service speak before my certification.
Let my humility be my highlight.
Let my passion be louder than my pin.
The guest will feel it.
And the table will remember - because tables remember everything.”